Shaffer Bros Logo Eat a Hamburg, Kick the Dog
Home News Contact
Of the Week
Videos Productions
Adam's Bio
Tyler's Bio
Good Links
Other Crap

Hamburg of The Week

Cartoon Hamburg

Cartoon Hamburg

I've been thinking so much about hamburgs lately that even my hamburg dreams are getting a little weird. In the latest dream, I'm given a hamburg for my birthday. This happens to be my very favorite gift, but this time it was odd. The hamburg was a cartoon. This means 2 things. One, this burg is perfectly colored, meaning no burning, no mold, no old ingredients... very good. Two, this burg is slightly inedible... it's a friggin cartoon.

Well after I expressed my concerns to the glowing pigeon that handed it to me, it turned into my high school principal and yelled at me for being out of class without a hallpass. Then, in detention, the pigeon was all pissed that I didn't give it any of my Reece's Pieces, so he didn't let me cheat from his test and I failed. I was just about to go tell my mom the bad news when the tree that had been blocking the door suddenly dropped a large apple onto the floor. It looked very clean and very delicious, so I ate it, and it tasted like a giant Reece's Pieces piece. Then I woke up.

I honor the cartoon hamburg this week because it was this burger that led me to the path of a giant Reece's Pieces piece, which some of you may say is the same as a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. Either way, it was friggin awesome!

I also want to note that this hamburg looks like it came from an old Scooby Doo episode and I think that's pretty cool too.

Frozen Hamburgs

Frozen Hamburgs

When you don't have time to shop for hamburgs every day, the frozen hamburg comes to the rescue. You can buy these suckers by the thousand provided you have enough freezitation space. Then when you get that hankering for a juicy hamburg but don't want to spend valuable gasoline to retrieve your lunch, simple throw a frozen patty on the ol' George Foreman grill and it'll be ready before you can finish 4 1000-piece jigsaw puzzles. BAM!

Plus, not many people know this, but you can reuse those paper patty separators around the house. Here are a few ideas...

  • They make fabulous drink coasters - protect your coffee table with style
  • Out of spackle? Slap one of these babies over a hole in the wall and it looks brand new again
  • Staple a few together and make a hamburg grease flip book to impress your friends
  • Keep em' on the burg for a delicious fibrous addition to your lunch
  • ... the possibilities are limitless

Chicken Hamburg

Chicken Hamburg

If you're on a health kick, you can save some grams of fat by substituting the hamburger for some chicken. Some people like fried chicken, but if you want to save more calories, you'll want the grilled chicken. Our favorite happens to be the raw chicken hamburg. The little squeaks with the first few bites find their way straight to our happiness bone (just under the kneecap).

To make such a hamburg, you'll need a bun, some shredded cheese, and a small animal. Whether or not it's a chicken is not relevant here. Just stick the creature between the toasted buns and bite down hard (takes some force to get through most of the bones). Happy Eating!

Asian Baby Hamburg

This is one of our favorites and can only be found in certain regions in the world. After "Caucasian Baby Pudding" became the main dessert in these spots, the makers of Gerber came out with the "Asian Baby Hamburg." If you are a fan of Asian cuisine, this is the hamburg you have been looking for. It has your American style classics, such as the bun, lettuce and cheese, and adds a hint of Asian spice.

"Wait a damn minute, ShafferBros! I heard that those people in Asia eat things like cats and dogs. This sounds like it's just as disgusting." No need to worry... all the Asian baby patties are graded and tagged on the left wrist, so you know you are receiving genuine, high quality product (not some cheap Chinese knock off). If you have not tried this burger, don't delay, the shelf life isn't too long.

~~Edit - Just wanted to add that we tried this hamburg and even though it filled us up at the time, we were hungry again in 45 minutes, so plan ahead.     Get it? Asian food! HAHAHA!

Clothes Hamburg

OK... flashback... it's 1987. You're at a ball game with your pop. The sun is high and the stadium is packed. It's the 3rd inning and the home team is winning by 2 runs. In the distance you hear "Peanuts, Popcorn, Crackerjacks!" You instantly find yourself craving some sort of cardboard-plastic-goo combo and you shout "Crackerjacks! I'll take one!" The vendor tosses you a VHS sized box with the smell of caramel, and you dig in. Your first bite brings backs memories from every other time you fell for this vicious trick. You try to spit out the remains of some sort of stale popcorn offspring from your mouth and decide you're $2.50 has gone to waste. But wait! You remember the silver lining... hidden within this cartridge of syrup covered packing peanuts is a special prize. What could it be? A tattoo? A sticker? A tattoo sticker?

Flashback to today. Same scenario. Instead of crackerjacks, you order a hamburg. Instead of disgustingness, you realize you found the greatest food known to humans. But there's no prize, right? Wrong! Inside you're hamburg is a real live lady! You name her Burgette and you take her home. Life is good.

Flashback to 1987... you open your prize and are pleased to see a sticker with a hamburg on it. You decide you'll wear it as a tattoo.

Laced Hamburg

Have you ever been so hungry that you grab the nearest toilet paper roll to use as a make-shift megaphone and shout "I'm so hungry, I'd eat a shoe!" Well now you can, without getting sneaker breath. This shoe-burg is a brilliant example of food mixed with ingenuity. Not impressed? Well what if I told you that this shoe-burg doubles as a walkie talkie and has a steel toe?? That's absolutely not true, but wouldn't you be impressed?

Mobile Hamburg

Here is a wonderful example of food and engineering done right!

Instructions to make a mobile hamburg:
1) Mix equal parts hamburg and mobility in large bowl;
2) Combine with 2 units of badass;
3) Leave in direct sunlight for 48 hours;
4) Serve in a chilled glass.

Mini Hamburg

Avast! This week, we be takin a closer look at the mini hamburg. Tis a small morsel, aye... but tis still a tasty morsel. Even better, there usually be more of 'em so yee has an opportunity to give some to yer mates. Less they be hornswagglin a-holes, then you can eat yer hamburgs right in their faces.

Have no fear ya squiffy landlubbers, tis an easy item to make on yer own. Ingredients be: mini hamburgs, mini buns, and mini fixins. Combine and enjoy. If yer dumb enough to screw that up, then I'll be seein you in Davey Jones' Locker. Arrr!

Blimey! Now I feel like plundering some booty!

Hamburg with Onions

This week, we commemorate the multi-talented onion burger. This sangwich is created with 4 simple ingredients... Bun, Hamburg, Onions, and More Onions. Its talents include the ability to excite all kinds of taste buds, the power to stimulate the immune system, and a force field of lasting stench to ward off enemies (and friends).

"But guys, where can I get a hamburg with onions??" Fear not lucky reader. Your onion & beef combo craving can be satisfied with a quick visit to your local Hamburg Station. Ask for a speed pack with everything and a coke and you'll be good to go. They'll even throw in some pickles and mustard for extra spice.

Ron's the Man!!

Let's go back to your first favorite meal. No, I am not talking about your Gerber Sweet Potatoes. I'm talking about the stuff you nagged your mom about every day. No, not fruit roll-ups. Freakin McDonalds!! Micky D's!! McDelicious!! McDizzle!! I'm lovin it!! "Gimme that happy meal," I would say as I knocked Tyler in the head with the seat belt. Ronald McDonald may be one scary son of a bitch, but he had a place in my heart. I would rather have the "Burger King" in my window every morning than Ron in his creepy costume sitting on a bench next to me, but that dude is still a modern day hero. Nowadays we have the $1 double cheeseburger. Wow, amazing. Ron, you know what the people want!

What's Better Than a Hamburg?

Sometimes I meet people and start to chat... nothing intense, just small talk. Eventually though, the conversation has to go somewhere. We both know it. We're either going to have to stop talking and get off the elevator, or kick it up a notch and throw in a heavy topic. Usually, this comes in the form of me asking, "So... what do you think would be better than a hamburg?" Obviously it's a stupid question because there is no answer, but the point is just to get 'em thinking. Sometimes they pass out after thinking too hard and sometimes we'll share an energetic high five and go our separate ways. However, I tried this technique with a 3 year old on his way to work last Saturday (I know, why the hell would this 3 year old have to work weekends?). The weird thing was that he actually gave me an answer. He looked me straight in the eye, put his fire truck in his pocket, and said, "Doy... TWO hamburgs!" That's why this week we give our praise to the In-N-Out Double Double Hamburg. Two patties, two cheese slices, two halves of the bun!

If you're wondering, I ran into the same kid on Monday and he said he had to finish a project before his presentation on Monday morning.

School Lunch Hamburg

This is the plain school lunch hamburg. Nothing ever came on it. If you were quick, you were able to snag a baby packet of ketchup or mustard, but that supply ran low soon because you need 3 or 4 of those suckers to drown out the taste of the processed burger. Shoot, I don't even think it was real meat. Every time I was forced to consume one of these lab created, hard boiled, anti-meat wads of shit, I had to hold myself back from taking off my shoe and busting the lunch lady across the head (and I was able to hold myself back all but 2 times, so I think that's pretty good). Then to finish the beautiful plate layout, you received a side of eight uncooked fries and a fruit cup dated 2 years before you started school. Good lord, when is pizza day?

But this unholy product takes the prize this week because it was a very important stepping stone of hamburgerdom in our lives. If it wasn't for this "unfit to be called a hamburg" hamburg, we would never have realized the true power embodied in a real champion hamburg.

Plain Hamburg

We would like to start our Hamburg of the Week with this. Yes, just a plain hamburg. I know, I know, throw it on the grill or something. Hey, we don't want to blow our load on our first hamburg. We want to gradually work our way into your hearts. Just look at its perfect form and color. I can almost hear the cow moo. I even think her name was Betsy. Oh, Betsy was a little bitch too. I guess she learned her lesson, aye? Well, enjoy this while you can because every week we will be bringing you a new one.