Joke of The Week

Viagra

Viagra needs a catchy slogan... let's recycle...

1. They're Grrrreat
2. Once you pop, you can't stop.
3. Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
4. When you care enough to send the very best.
5. If it feels good, then just do it.
6. Where's the cream filling?
7. Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't.
8. No more tears.
9. You can't get any closer.
10. Gimme a Break, Gimme a Break
11. When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
12. The San-Francisco treat
13. Hey Mikey... He likes it!
14. Don't leave home without it.
15. Reach out and touch someone.
16. I've fallen and I can't get up.
17. It's what's for dinner.
18. Got Milk?
19. The greatest show on Earth.
20. It does a body good.
21. The quicker picker upper
22. Mmm Mmm Good.
23. Snap! Crackle! Pop!
24. Anything less would be uncivilized.
25. Can't beat the feeling.
26. Just for the taste of it.
27. Eight out of ten cats prefer it.
28. Nothin' says lovin' like something from the oven.
29. Everything you want, nothing you don't.
30. The best a man can get.
31. Betcha can't eat just one.
32. We do more before 9:00AM than most people do all day.
33. Good to the last drop.
34. It keeps going, and going, and going...
35. I'm lovin' it.
36. New look, same great taste.
37. How do you spell relief?
38. Shake 'n' Bake, and I helped.
39. Get a bang out of life.
40. It takes a licking, but it keeps on ticking!
41. The best part of waking up
42. Because life is not a spectator sport.
43. We bring good things to life!
44. Where's the Beef!

It was the Other Drunk

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong and the crying drunk says, "I've puked all over myself again and my wife's gonna kill me. What do I do, pal?"

The other drunk offers this advice, "explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten bucks to have your clothes cleaned."

"Sounds like a great idea," says the crying drunk.

When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is.

The drunk starts spinning the lie and says, "Look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my pocket."

His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars. "Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten bucks for puking on you," says the wife.

"He did," says the drunk, "but he shit in my pants too!"

Woman Shopping

Holy Shit Tyler. WATCH OUT!!!

A woman walks into the store and purchases the following:
1 small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of woman's deodorant.

She then goes to the check out line.

Cashier: Oh, you must be single

Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?

Cashier: No, you're fucking ugly!

Sleeping in School

Joey and Katie are sitting in school.

Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.

"Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

"Jesus Christ almighty!!" Exclaimed Katie.

"Correct." Says the teacher.

So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?" Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims.

"Correct again." Says the teacher.

So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"

Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!"

You've Got Mail

A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

Write it Down

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that."

She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

How Old Are You?

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

Is it time to go home yet?

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

Miranda Rights

A female police officer arrests a guy for drunk driving. While reading him his Miranda Rights, the female officer tells the man: "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be held against you."

"Boobs" the drunk replied.

Redneck Love

One beautiful afternoon, a young redneck boy runs into his house and yells "Paw, I found her! I found the girl I'm gonna marry, and she's a virgin!"

Now while this might impress some families, it irritated and upset his father. Pounding his fist on the table, he yells back "There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours!"

Green

What's green and has wheels?

Give up? Grass! I was just kidding about the wheels part.

The one with the drunk dude

So this one dude has been drinking at a pub (bar for ye American folk) all night. The bartender has to kick him out when the bar closes. So the dude stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. So this dude figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he tries again to stand up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he attempts to stand up and open the door, but again, face to the pavement. So he crawls all the way to bed and passes out.

He awakens the next morning to his brother standing over him. The dude's brother says, "So you got pretty drunk last night, eh?"

"What makes you say that?" says the dude.

"The pub called... you left your wheelchair there again."

The one with the duck in the bar

Duck walks into a bar asks the bartender "Got any grapes?"

The bartender says "No."

Next day duck walks into the bar asks again "Got any grapes?"

The annoyed bartender again says "No."

Next day duck walks in again and asks again "Got any grapes?"

The bartender shouts "No! and if you ask me that again, I'm going to nail your webbed feet to the floor!."

Next day duck walks in again and asks "Got any nails?"

The confused bartender says "No."

Duck says "Got any grapes?"

The end.