News Story of The Week

The British Are Weird

In one corner, wearing a black button up sweater over a wife beater and weighing in at a clean 130lbs is the First Lady of the United States, Mrs. Michelle Obama. In the other corner, wearing old people clothes and an Albert Einstein wig and weighing it at just over 35 ounces is the United Kingdom's majesty, Queen Elizabeth II.

The round started off slow with a few jokes and some small talk about politics and then, before you know it, Obama strikes the first and final blow to the Queen! That's right folks! Michelle Obama struck the Queen! British media went nuts, noting that "nobody touches the Queen" and it's been that way for years. Well that old fart must be getting slow because Mrs. Obama clearly won that showdown!

After some digging and deep investigations, however, the Shaffer brothers discovered that underneath this simple "no-touchy" rule lies a complex scheme of deceit and scandal. As it turns out, "The Queen," as she is known, is actually the world's first fully functional human-replica robot, or HRR (pronounced "whore"). The United Kingdom has successfully been hiding this secret for years using a simple "do not touch" sign stapled to the back of the Queen's neck, which has gone unnoticed for decades. It wasn't until Michelle Obama challenged the Queen to a no-holds-barred, bare knuckle battle royale that the world learned of this long-lived royal scandal.

When asked about the HRR, the British parliament refused to respond. However, based on the writings on various bathroom walls, the Shaffer brothers have learned that there are many other "whores" in existence and have even obtained a few of their phone numbers, which promise good times. We will follow up once have more information.

In the mean time, keep up the good work Michelle. Way to bring The Street to The Capital!

See CNN for the original story.

San Francisco Officials Seek Toilet Torcher

Holy Shit Tyler. WATCH OUT!!!

As y'all may know, my partner in crime is in great danger. Someone has been sending San Francisco's portable toilets up in flames in a wave of potty pyromania. This is freakin nutso!!! What insane human being likes burnt shit?! It is bad enough hot and steamy, burnt is just going over the line. San Fran's authorities have still not caught this poo flamer. Tyler, watch your shit!

MSNBC has the story.

"I didn't know the N-word was bad"

This is the scenario: You buy some shoes. You think, "Man, I really didn't want these shoes." No problem. You take the shoes back to the store. When you've successfully returned the shoes, the employee behind the counter calls you a dumb nigger.

To some of you this may seem like an ordinary day. However, those of you with a sharp eye and a keen sense of racism noticed that hidden in the employee's techincal jargon, there is a hateful racial slur and insult to your intelligence. When the employee was questioned later about why the derogatory statement was used, he said, "I never noticed the racial slur. I thought it was another word for Canadian bacon." Apparently, it also never dawned on this guy that a customer returning a pair of shoes may in fact not be a dim-witted piece of bacon from America's top hat.

In response, the shoe store fired 2 janitors and the plant waterer, and told 3 customers never to come back. According to the manager, "Since we're not sure exactly how the slur got into the system, we're better off getting rid of all the stupid Jews, Spics, Chinks, and queers that were in the store that day."

Moments later, the store exploded in a giant ball of Satan fire and a rainbow appeared.

Kansas City... tell us more

Michael Phelps - Un-FRIGGIN-Believable

So the news is in folks. Michael "Barracuda" Phelps has won his 8th gold medal in the 2008 Olympics. This feat is unprecidented in the history of mankind. That's just nuts... I mean the guy can swim... he can swim fast!

"Every single athlete in the world right now needs to tip their hat to Michael Phelps" said Brendan Hansen, one of Phelps' teammates. What I don't think Brendan understands is that not all athletes wear hats. Actually, not even all Olympians wear hats! Women's gymnastics was just on and none of those human springs wore a hat or even a backwards visor. Brendan needs to snap back in to reality.

If you think about it though, Phelps isn't even that great. I mean he swims fast... so... if he keeps swimming against people, he'll probably keep swimming faster than them. Throw that guy into a hockey game or the fencing finals and see what he's really made of. According to the story, "Phelps set world records in seven of his eight swims, with only the 100m fly mark not broken." So he's really not even that good at swimming. No world record in the 100m fly? Geez powder puff... maybe you should put down the oreos, turn your I Love The 80's marathon off and try some training once in a while.

In the end, Phelps had this to say... "Everything had to go perfect. Everything had to fall perfectly into place and I was able to have probably the best week of my life." He followed that by saying that on second thought, the best week of his life was when ShafferBros.com released Cool Beans.

Thanks Phelps... that means a lot... especially coming from a half man, half fish, upside down pyramid shaped Olympian like yourself.

NBC has the scoop.

Crisis averted... hammocks have not been uninvented.

During my weekly Google search of every word in the English language, I stumbled upon this story entitled, "Centuries later, the hammock is still swinging." I was intrigued because I thought it would describe how they were trying to invent hammocks that flew or maybe were completely motionless. Unfortunately, to be a hammock, by definition, it has to be hanging. So of course, it's going to swing.

Anyway, I continued reading and learned that the hammock has been around a long time... like more than 1000 years. Neat! Then one sentence caught my attention. According to an Amazonian, "as is our ancient custom, we bury the dead lying down in their own hammock." Yeah... that's nuts! They get their OWN hammocks? How come we don't have that abundance of hammocks in America?? I mean I've been to beaches with 2 or 3 hammocks hanging for the entire public to use. I've even visited a few houses with 1 hammock for the entire family. But how do we decide who's rotting corpse gets to chill in the hammock for all eternity? Who wouldn't want the honor of being able to spend afterlife swaying in the breeze and sipping on a bottomless margarita?

With so few hammocks to go around, my advice is this... if you happen across a hammock that's not currently inhabited by a human cadaver, cut it down and take it home. Then use it as your own luxury coffin or sell it on eBay for some hamburg money.

The LA Times was first on the scene.

Homeless Woman Comes Out of Closet

Have you ever been scared of the boogie man or the crazed monkey living in your closet? Well how about a homeless Japanese woman? This woman lived undetected in a man's closet for a year. One year!!! I once had a homeless rabbit living under my shed for a year and he at least baked me a cake. This woman moved a mattress into a top compartment of a closet, took showers, and ate the man's food without ever being detected. Ninjas are everywhere I tell ya!!! When interviewed, she said, "I like turtles".

SF Gate again! Booyah!

Lock that Ass Up!!! No, not your ass, this ass.

Pedro the donkey is currently getting ass on ass treatment. After a dispute over some jolly ranchers and an ipod, the donkey bit and kicked two men. The men wish to remain anonymous due to the fact that they were beaten by an ass. Pedro was locked up with the town drunks in the local jail. When Pedro was asked to comment, he was speechless. A local commented, "I think he was just being an ass."

SF Gate gets the scoop.

The Glow in the Dark Bunny is Finally Here!

How many of y'all have seen this? A bunny that glows green under a blacklight.

Some nutso French researchers decided to take a jelly fish gene, modify it so it glows twice as bright, and then combine it with this crazy rabbit. During the day, it's a normal looking hippity hoppity rabbit. But bring out the fluorescent light and this SOB turns into Bunny form Outer Space. I guess the French were pissed they never could find all the eggs... or maybe someone kept losing there keys at night and they needed a glow in the dark rabbits foot.

New Scientist found this first.